continued frustration

After looking at the list of 110 we match, we found all the groups of 2s and 3s and requested more info on them (most of them weren't listed on the website so we only knew gender, age, race). There were 11 groups of kids. Just heard back some yesterday and some today about them: 5 groups are already placed, 1 turned out to be a group of 4, 1 group doesn't want to be adopted, 1 group she can't find (???) and 1 group sounds a bit daunting. That leaves 2 possible groups and 1 we haven't heard anything back on. So, why, WHY! are we even shown these groups that are already placed or don't want to be adopted? Why are we wasting our time and energy on them?

This is frustrating!!

After waiting to get questions answered and to hear more information on Tavion/Chase/Otez we hear today that they are being placed with someone else. Something happened in their current living situation making it necessary for them to need immediate placement. Whenever possible they look for "concurrent" placement - a foster home that will adopt them, so this isn't just one more move for them. For unknown reasons they chose to place them with the other family that was considering them instead of us. There may be a relationship between this family and the county worker, we don't know why. It would've been risky for them to suddenly place them with us since we have learned very little about the boys at this point and we could easily choose not to adopt them later on. The frustrating part is we have been trying to get information, we wanted it, we sought it, but we weren't getting it - that seems to be the norm. I realize the social- and county workers are overloaded with work, they have a lot to do and are pulled in many directions. Logically I can recognize this and understand why it takes so long for anything to happen, but emotionally I get frustrated and angry with the lack of response and slowness with information.

We haven't heard anymore on Christopher/Isaac/Yulianna, we know their worker was interested in another family and are pursuing them, so that must all be moving forward.

So it's back to the drawing board. We have our list of 110 matches we can sort through and begin the process over again.

inspection

When Suzanne had left our house following the inspection for the foster care license she had some questions she needed to ask before giving us the approval:
1) if a 2nd form of egress is necessary from a basement even though it's not used for sleeping
2) if the lightweight screen in front of the fireplace is OK or needs to be permanent glass doors
3) if the furnace needs to be inspected every year
So, the basement and fireplace are fine as is, but we do need a furnace inspection - not a big deal. She also answered a few questions we had about Tavion/Chase/Otez. Due to the holidays and varied schedules we know we won't hear anything more until after the first of the year. Oh, we also found out there is another family that has shown interest in these 3 boys.

I took some time today and looked at the list of 110 kids that we "match." There are 23 sibling groups and 43 individual kids. We are willing to take a single child, but we will not have only 1 child, which means we would have to go through this whole process a 2nd time - not a fun notion. We haven't done any more with this list, haven't ruled any kids out or chosen any we want to pursue. We have our 2 groups of 3 that we are looking at - doesn't seem right to have our hand in too many pots.

the beginning of regular posts

I have always intended this blog to be something others could follow on a regular basis, but the reality has been that things moved pretty slowly and there weren't events to share. Now we have been approved as adoptive parents and are in the matching process. This moves along much more quickly. Since late October we have already sought information on 6 different groups of kids. Some had other families also interested, some turned out to be more than we could handle, and some we are still pursuing. We haven't been daunted by any of these kids going to homes other than ours - this whole thing is about the kids - if they are in a good home we are happy for them.

The matching process happens in a couple different ways:
1) we can request info on a kid(s) we've seen on the website www.mnadopt.org
2) our social worker can hear about a kid(s) and think of us, giving us preliminary info
3) other workers across the state can read about us and think we might be a good match
4) a computer program can say we "match" kids per some data they've gathered. Because we are so open to what kids(s) we will take in we were matched with 110 kids

Currently we are considering 2 separate sibling groups:
1) Tavion 6/Chase 5/Otez 18mos. The worker for these boys saw our info and wanted us to consider them. We have learned some preliminary info and have requested to learn more. The behaviors the boys have exhibited is all on par for what we have been told to expect: aggressive, ADHD, attachment disorder. Otez does have a serious heart condition that will require special attention for the rest of his (possibly short) life.
2) Christopher 10/Isaac 9/Yulianna 8. We started learning about them last month, but our worker kinda dropped the ball on this. We had a lengthy meeting with her and she had taken several notes for herself, some of which were questions we wanted posed to the kids' worker. Shortly after our meeting 2 boys came into the picture that were a possibility for us to take in and I think that got her sidetracked. Their worker has already begun interviewing and working with a family for these 3, but is willing to meet with us - though we would be the back-up in case this other family drops out.

That's where we are right now. As things happen fairly quickly now I'll have things to post on a regular basis.

Bittersweet

The good news: Liz called to say she has our home study done. She's sending it to us to check for factual errors, once we verify it, we go into the system and can start learning about sibling groups, working toward a match.

The bad news: Liz quit. That's why she got our home study done in record time.

We will now be working with Suzanne. She happens to be the only other social worker we've met, she and Liz co-taught our classes last fall. This doesn't make up for all the hours we've spent with Liz, allowing her to get to know us and hear in our words what we are feeling, our expectations, our fears, etc. We have no ill feelings toward Liz, we wish her the best in whatever she turns to next.

We had a chance to speak with Suzanne yesterday at an event held by Children's Home. It was nice to chat with her and clarify some things about ourselves.

At Children's Home yesterday there was an event for teens and sibling groups waiting to be adopted and Waiting Parents. The adults manned stations (Tom and I had pumpkin painting) and the kids rotated through, allowing us to ask benign questions and simply interact with each other. The intent was for the kids to see who some of these people are that want to adopt kids and for the Waiting Parents to see who some of the kids are, to hear what their interests are. It was enjoyable. There was a group there that I'd had personal interest in, but after meeting them I'm a bit turned off. There was another group that I hadn't paid any attention to that we are now interested it - not telling you anymore than that!

support meeting

A little over a week ago we were able to get our family, friends and neighbors together so they would have the opportunity to speak with our social worker. The meeting was held with some folks in our house and the rest, who are spread all over the country, joined us via conference call. It all went very well! It was awesome to be surrounded by the people that are so special in our lives, who came together with the sole purpose of supporting Tom and I on our journey to parenthood.

We discovered that our neighbors are even more wonderful than we thought and will be a great support! One of them adopted a 2 year old from Korea many years ago and the other couple raised a son with anxiety/anger issues. The neighbors were also forthcoming in saying we can call them for any needed help - even an emergency at any time of day. It was good to hear.

There were some great questions and advice from our "guests." It was an emotional afternoon, full of love, support and generosity.

Now - Liz writes up the "home study," which is basically a synopsis of who Tom and I are with facts and thoughts related to how we will parent and who we would make a good match with. This goes into a database for all county workers in MN to access and assist in matching us with kids. She expects to get this done before a long vacation in Nov. We also need to get licensed for foster care, since that's what we will technically be doing until the adoption is finalized - we have that paperwork and working on that.

Moving Forward

I feel like a lot has happened quickly, too quickly to update this (apparently). We had our last meeting with the therapist at the end of August and as soon as Labor Day hit our social worker was back in touch with us ready to work again. I should say first that we both feel we had success with our therapist. Our communication and understanding has improved and the overall mood around our house is better - I don't know any couple that can't benefit from a therapist every now and then.
We had 2 remaining meetings with Liz and now we are done with those meetings. On to the next step. In about 2 weeks we will have a "support group" meeting where we gather together the people that will make up our support system once we are parents. Since all of our families are in other states most of our support will be part of the meeting either via phone or internet. After the meeting Liz will present us at their next staff meeting and we will be approved by them (odd, but whatever) after which she has 30 working days to write up a sort of biography of us - documents that will help county workers all over the state have a better understanding of who we are when wondering if we would be a good placement for children they are working with. Since the end of those 30 days is Dec 3rd and Liz is likely to be on vacation for 2 weeks at the end of November she plans to have it done before that. That means that mid-November we are officially done with this process and can start "shopping!"
No, we are not assuming we will be parents before Christmas.