moving forward

Over the past few months Tom and I have talked about getting back on the adopting horse, but truly aren't anxious to do that. We did meet with Suzanne, our social worker, because our home-study was up for its one-year review. Long story short - we have decided to table the adoption for now. Tom and I both want to feel we are contributing to society in a positive way and are seeking volunteer opportunities, particularly with children. Since deciding this, I have already signed up to help kids do their homework after school at the library. I have to go through an interview, orientation and background check, but all of that is already in motion. I also put a phone call into Minneapolis PAL (www.minneapolispal.org), an organization I heard about a year or 2 ago through the police department building good relations between inner-city youth and the police. As a volunteer I could do anything from helping with transportation to chaperoning a camping trip, with the intent of being a good role model and mentor. I have plenty to do maintaining my own home and complain about not having enough time, I'm hoping the rewards from the volunteer work with balance it all out.

time off

As you can see in these blog entries, we've felt a lot of frustration and questioned what we want. Because of this we have decided to take a step back and do some thinking. Possibly reevaluate who we would consider adopting: the age, the number, the abilities/disabilities... We may even look at other adoption agencies.
I can already feel a peace that has come over me since we made this decision. I didn't realize how stressed choosing children was making me. Though, it's not just the choosing them, it's having them put in front of us, then taken away, also. It plays on your psyche.
We aren't sure how long our hiatus will be, but it will be what is right for us.
I can't thank all of you enough for all the support you have, and continue, to show us as we travel this very rocky and twisting road.

thank you

I did get private feedback from my last post and I want to say thank you. All of you had valid concerns and supportive things to say: raising kids is stressful enough, why make it more difficult than it has to be, Down's Syndrome kids can be very charismatic and enjoyable, what about medical coverage? It was definitely helpful to hear what others had to say.
I am happy to say that Emmanuel and Moises (the 2 young brothers with the most medical concerns) are likely to go to another home. They are looking at another home with interest, I should say. I'm happy for them and happy to not feel obligated to take them (I know I shouldn't feel obligated to take anyone, that's another discussion).
We did get a little more info on Jasmine, Michael and Mary (Jasmine has Down's) and are still interested.
Like before, we still haven't heard more on Dario and Austin - we had heard more, which caused us to ask some specific questions to clarify previous behavior vs. current behavior.

lifelong care?

I'm actually posting 2 days in a row, be sure you read the March 2nd post before this one.
The case workers for Kajon and Kajonae finally read our home study and both had the same immediate and strong response - they can't live with us. Their grandmother lives about 2 blocks away and there are some issues with her, so much so that it's important the kids don't live "around the corner." I guess I saw this coming (not the exact reason) so it's not as disappointing as it would've been if I hadn't already known there were so many people interested in them.
So here's my dilemma: there are some kids available that may need lifelong care, do we want to take that on? There are the 3 I mentioned a couple of posts ago, one with Down's Syndrome and there are 2 boys, also quite young with a list of both emotional and medical issues. One of the boys has microcephaly and Russell-Silver syndrome. I encourage you to look each of those up on your own. Microcephaly is characterized by a small head size, with it could come a wide array of complications, but think of the skull being smaller, therefore the brain being smaller and with a diminished capacity to function. Russell-Silver Syndrome is a form of dwarfish (their mother has dwarfism), though the most treatable. A good diet and growth hormones could put them back on track.
We expect whomever we adopt to have "issues," predominantly fetal alcohol, attachment disorder and often aggression. It is possible that they could be so extreme that they would not be able to live independently. Taking on a child that may need parenting beyond our lifespan is my biggest concern with taking on one of these kids. It's not the here and now, I think we can handle that, but what about as we age or upon our deaths? I guess that will be the reality for these kids no matter who adopts them...
Do any of you have any thoughts for me? Words of encouragement? A dose of reality?

not much going on

Nothing much to tell you except that we don't have a whole lot going on right now. Here's the little bit that's new:
1. Kajon/Kajonae (think dijon mustard when you say their names). We are most interested in these 2, but it appears we are in a long line. As of last week when Suzanne checked, their worker hadn't read our home study yet, he had several to look at.
2. I had to reread my previous posts to know who I've mentioned. Last time I mentioned Dario and Austin, they are 10 and 11 and it took us a long time to find out more than the basic overview. So we got more info on them, but it was hard to sort through what behaviors they used to have vs. what behaviors and issues they have now after a couple years of therapy and in a stable setting. So we have a request for clarification. They did have some very serious issues, so where they are now and what is seen as potential is important here. They belong to a tribe and have a strong interest in their Native American heritage, one of them is learning Ojibwa.
3. Dario and Austin were one group of 10 and 11 year old brothers we were looking at, the other group, their adoptive parents weren't sure if they did or didn't want to continue with the planned adoption. It was decided that they are going to follow through with the adoption, so they are off the table.
4. There's another pair, Roscoe and Zipporah, that we requested more info on but we have very, very little on them right now to even know if they are an option.

Additionally, Tom and I saw a very poignant movie over the weekend (a la Netflix), Antwone Fisher. It's about an adult, after aging out of foster care, coming to terms with the abandonment by his biological family and the abuse he suffered as a foster child. It really hit home for us... oh, how I cried.

There seemed to be a brief period of time when there weren't any kids we wanted to know more about, or the ones we were seeking info on we weren't really excited about. There is a brother and sister we are looking at now that I can see in our home: Kajon 9 (M)/Kajonae 6 (F). Their names, though... I keep calling them "cajun" and "cajunay" but it's probably more like "kay-john" and "kay-johnny"??
We still haven't heard anything about 2 boys that I mentioned before, Dario and Austin - we're still open to learning more about them, if we ever do.
There are 2 boys listed on the MNadopt website without pictures and it says they require assistance from others. We finally asked about them and found out they are both autistic, one is severe and profound. I have worked with the severely autistic on and off for 2 years, I don't think I can voluntarily take 2 of them on as my children for the rest of their lives. Though, some of the kids we could adopt may need the help of an adult for the rest of their lives as well.
Once a month Suzanne has a "task force" meeting where new kids are presented, she has been sending us flyers from these meetings for the past couple of months. We just received a packet this weekend, most, as usual are individual kids. There is one group in there that I would ask more about if Kajon and Kajonae don't work out. They are young (5,4 and 2) and the oldest has Down's Syndrome. Again, it's a lifelong commitment to parenting such a child, but some are more independent than others. I don't know how much you can tell at age 5, especially with the background of foster care, etc.

only a sib group for us

We decided we want to continue to focus on only sibling groups - at least for now. We aren't in a hurry, so we don't need to change our plans to accommodate a schedule we set for ourselves. We hadn't thought the matching process would be as difficult as it is, certainly not with the obstacles we've encountered, but we realize this is how it is and can change how we feel about/react to it.

We requested information on 2 groups of brothers, interestingly, both groups are 10 and 11 year olds. After a week we still don't have any information on one group (Suzanne requested the info from the boys' worker and hasn't heard back). The other group may or may not be available. They have been with a family since July that had the intent to adopt them, then recently said they no longer wanted to, and now have said that they changed their minds and do want to adopt them. So there is a team meeting scheduled for next Friday (2/12) where the family and the boys' workers and maybe therapists will get together and get to the bottom of this, along with a decision. Their worker is still taking home studies from families (not knowing how this is going to turn out) so we had ours sent in.