special needs

I also need to clarify... I stated before that the children we will be adopting are "special needs." All children that have been in foster care are labeled "special needs." It's not because of any impairments, it's because the life they've led has caused unique traits. For a child to be available for adoption their parent's rights have been terminated due to abuse, abandonment and/or neglect. Any and all of these things effect the brain development, behaviors, physical development, attitudes, etc. of children. When their needs aren't met their brains develop and process differently. Every adult they have loved and trusted has failed them, why should Tom and I be any different - this causes attachment disorders, which can manifest in many different forms.

Therefore, they are all labeled special needs. This is also why we have to do all of the classes and meetings and such. It's to prepare us as best they can for the upheaval these children will bring into our home.

a speed bump

When we last met with Liz she went over the results of the marriage evaluation and felt it would be a good idea if we saw a therapist together. It wasn't surprising to either of us, we know what is and isn't strong in our marriage, we certainly know there are areas we could do better in. Actually, we saw a therapist 2 years ago but didn't care for her and didn't walk away with any tools to help us outside of her office. There are a couple of therapists within the same organization we are adopting through and since only 1 is a preferred provider, we chose her. So we have met with Barb twice now and so far it feels like we are wasting time. Our first meeting was an introduction to her, like a solicitation of herself, knowing we can go to any number of therapists in this town. The 2nd meeting was her getting some background info from us - I felt like I could've done that by filling out a form - so that felt frustrating. Liz asked that we meet with Barb for a month before returning to meetings with her.
I'm trying to keep it all in perspective: Tom and I need to be as prepared and strong for these kids as we can be, this is one way to be sure we are capable of handling what is thrown at us down the road. It just feels like delay after delay. The bright side is the extra time allows me to work on my new business venture (that most of you probably don't know about) and have that established before the kids come.
So...I'm starting my own business as a professional organizer. In fact, I just registered my company name today: Natural Organizing. It will allow me to set my own schedule and be the mom I want to be.

Meetings with Liz

It took a while, but we have finally begun the next step of meeting with our social worker, Liz. We will have a total of about 6 visits with her, then she writes a "home study," upon the completion of the home study (she has 30 working days to complete) we will be considered approved adoptive parents and can begin the process of being matched up with a group of kids.
We've met with Liz twice, both times she used our "essays" we had written as a launching pad for discussions she leads regarding how the answers we gave to certain questions might cause some concern as to how we will effectively parent these special needs children. It doesn't feel like she's attacking us, she's just looking for clarification and pointing out how the way we deal with stress, for example, might not be the best solution when we have these kids in our house. On our last visit Tom and I each took a standardized test regarding our marriage (ENRICH, if any of you are familiar with that), she said once it's been looked at we will discuss our marital relationship as well.

When we first started this process we were told it usually takes about 6-12 months from the time we begin (the classes we took) to the placement of children. There are plenty of variables, including how long it takes you to do your paperwork, get the background check, have your appointments with the social worker, etc. We (I) have been anxious to get everything done and get kids in my house and we feel like we did everything in a timely manner - but it's already been 6 months and we are just now beginning the 6 or so meetings with the social worker, so that's disappointing. On top of that, at our first meeting, Liz discussed the remaining things we have to complete and came up with idea that it will probably be August before all our work is complete and we are considered adoptive parents. I was really hoping we would have the kids into our house and somewhat settled before school starts, it looks like we may just be beginning the matching process then - that's disappointing.
On top of that, I had a bit of a meltdown today feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need/want to get done. Some of that includes things that are in preparation for children moving in and becoming parents of special needs children. After Tom and I talked about my "list" of things and what is causing some of my stress, he pointed out that we are in control of when we become parents, if we aren't ready when our process is done, we don't have to start looking for a match right away. I took a deep breath and realized he is right, it will be much better to have children move into a home with parents that are ready to take on their challenge, than into a home filled with stress and possibly not "ready." Part of that is knowing that since they can't be in our house before school starts, there isn't any rush for a completion date, I should just let things happen, do what I can and let the rest fall away.

Facebook

I just signed up with facebook last night, if I haven't found you yet feel free to make a friend request. I'm daunted by the whole thing, I've joined a cult that everyone else knows all the secrets to...

We finished all the paperwork and sent it off in the mail today. Whew! Now we will wait for them to tell us we messed something up or forgot to sign something. Then we will begin meeting with a social worker :-)

Becoming parents

So...the real impetus to setting up a blog now is because Tom and I have finally decided how we are going to become parents and those that we have shared this news with have emphatically asked to be kept abreast of our journey. We are going to adopt a sibling group from the foster care system. It's something we considered before we even did the in-vitro and have come back to. Minnesota has a fantastic program and we are working through an organization that we are very happy with. We are 2 months into the paperwork and background phase, we were told this would take about 6 months. Upon completion of this, we will then be considered as prospective parents and can begin the matching process. We are both very excited about this decision, talking frequently about what it will be like in our house next year and how various things will be different. I would expect you people to have lots of question, that's what my blog is for! Here are some websites that you may also be interested in:

Children's Home Society and Family Services, our "adoption agency"
www.chsfs.org
we will be adopting from Minnesota's Waiting Children

Minnesota's Adoption Resource Network (MARN), they post some of the children waiting for a forever family. Not all the chidren available for adoption are listed, having more to do with overworked social workers than anything else.
www.mnadopt.org/SAE/Public/Search.aspx

It doesn't look like these website addresses created links, you'll have to do the old copy and paste method. I'll keep you posted as we jump through all of our hoops. The first 2 hoops are complete: classes and background check (fingerprints!), now we are filling out an amazing collection of paperwork.

Visiting family

I have been in Battle Creek visiting my family for Christmas the past couple of days. Tom had to stay in Minneapolis and work (they are short staffed for another 2-3 weeks). I fly home in about 4 hours. I am a bit ashamed to say I haven't seen any of my family since October of last year (expect for a quick meet up with my brother Dave and his girlfriend, Kristen, in Chicago in May). Mom and Dad are going to schedule one of Dad's weeks off for the spring or summer instead of both at Christmas so they can come out and see what Minneapolis is all about. Neither of them have flown before (except some joy rides in tiny 5 seaters over Battle Creek) so I'm trying to educate them on travel via airplane.
It's been nice hanging out at the homestead, relaxing, catching up. Mom and I have been working on a puzzle, Dad's been sharing his favorite movies with me. We had a small get together at Grandma's care facility last night where I got to visit with Dad's family. That was nice to see everyone, catch each other up on our lives.
I set my mom up with an email account: louisegould@hultquist.info she's new at this, but is trying. Drop her a line, she needs the practice :-)
I hope everyone was able to enjoy their Christmas!