moving forward

Over the past few months Tom and I have talked about getting back on the adopting horse, but truly aren't anxious to do that. We did meet with Suzanne, our social worker, because our home-study was up for its one-year review. Long story short - we have decided to table the adoption for now. Tom and I both want to feel we are contributing to society in a positive way and are seeking volunteer opportunities, particularly with children. Since deciding this, I have already signed up to help kids do their homework after school at the library. I have to go through an interview, orientation and background check, but all of that is already in motion. I also put a phone call into Minneapolis PAL (www.minneapolispal.org), an organization I heard about a year or 2 ago through the police department building good relations between inner-city youth and the police. As a volunteer I could do anything from helping with transportation to chaperoning a camping trip, with the intent of being a good role model and mentor. I have plenty to do maintaining my own home and complain about not having enough time, I'm hoping the rewards from the volunteer work with balance it all out.

time off

As you can see in these blog entries, we've felt a lot of frustration and questioned what we want. Because of this we have decided to take a step back and do some thinking. Possibly reevaluate who we would consider adopting: the age, the number, the abilities/disabilities... We may even look at other adoption agencies.
I can already feel a peace that has come over me since we made this decision. I didn't realize how stressed choosing children was making me. Though, it's not just the choosing them, it's having them put in front of us, then taken away, also. It plays on your psyche.
We aren't sure how long our hiatus will be, but it will be what is right for us.
I can't thank all of you enough for all the support you have, and continue, to show us as we travel this very rocky and twisting road.

thank you

I did get private feedback from my last post and I want to say thank you. All of you had valid concerns and supportive things to say: raising kids is stressful enough, why make it more difficult than it has to be, Down's Syndrome kids can be very charismatic and enjoyable, what about medical coverage? It was definitely helpful to hear what others had to say.
I am happy to say that Emmanuel and Moises (the 2 young brothers with the most medical concerns) are likely to go to another home. They are looking at another home with interest, I should say. I'm happy for them and happy to not feel obligated to take them (I know I shouldn't feel obligated to take anyone, that's another discussion).
We did get a little more info on Jasmine, Michael and Mary (Jasmine has Down's) and are still interested.
Like before, we still haven't heard more on Dario and Austin - we had heard more, which caused us to ask some specific questions to clarify previous behavior vs. current behavior.

lifelong care?

I'm actually posting 2 days in a row, be sure you read the March 2nd post before this one.
The case workers for Kajon and Kajonae finally read our home study and both had the same immediate and strong response - they can't live with us. Their grandmother lives about 2 blocks away and there are some issues with her, so much so that it's important the kids don't live "around the corner." I guess I saw this coming (not the exact reason) so it's not as disappointing as it would've been if I hadn't already known there were so many people interested in them.
So here's my dilemma: there are some kids available that may need lifelong care, do we want to take that on? There are the 3 I mentioned a couple of posts ago, one with Down's Syndrome and there are 2 boys, also quite young with a list of both emotional and medical issues. One of the boys has microcephaly and Russell-Silver syndrome. I encourage you to look each of those up on your own. Microcephaly is characterized by a small head size, with it could come a wide array of complications, but think of the skull being smaller, therefore the brain being smaller and with a diminished capacity to function. Russell-Silver Syndrome is a form of dwarfish (their mother has dwarfism), though the most treatable. A good diet and growth hormones could put them back on track.
We expect whomever we adopt to have "issues," predominantly fetal alcohol, attachment disorder and often aggression. It is possible that they could be so extreme that they would not be able to live independently. Taking on a child that may need parenting beyond our lifespan is my biggest concern with taking on one of these kids. It's not the here and now, I think we can handle that, but what about as we age or upon our deaths? I guess that will be the reality for these kids no matter who adopts them...
Do any of you have any thoughts for me? Words of encouragement? A dose of reality?

not much going on

Nothing much to tell you except that we don't have a whole lot going on right now. Here's the little bit that's new:
1. Kajon/Kajonae (think dijon mustard when you say their names). We are most interested in these 2, but it appears we are in a long line. As of last week when Suzanne checked, their worker hadn't read our home study yet, he had several to look at.
2. I had to reread my previous posts to know who I've mentioned. Last time I mentioned Dario and Austin, they are 10 and 11 and it took us a long time to find out more than the basic overview. So we got more info on them, but it was hard to sort through what behaviors they used to have vs. what behaviors and issues they have now after a couple years of therapy and in a stable setting. So we have a request for clarification. They did have some very serious issues, so where they are now and what is seen as potential is important here. They belong to a tribe and have a strong interest in their Native American heritage, one of them is learning Ojibwa.
3. Dario and Austin were one group of 10 and 11 year old brothers we were looking at, the other group, their adoptive parents weren't sure if they did or didn't want to continue with the planned adoption. It was decided that they are going to follow through with the adoption, so they are off the table.
4. There's another pair, Roscoe and Zipporah, that we requested more info on but we have very, very little on them right now to even know if they are an option.

Additionally, Tom and I saw a very poignant movie over the weekend (a la Netflix), Antwone Fisher. It's about an adult, after aging out of foster care, coming to terms with the abandonment by his biological family and the abuse he suffered as a foster child. It really hit home for us... oh, how I cried.

There seemed to be a brief period of time when there weren't any kids we wanted to know more about, or the ones we were seeking info on we weren't really excited about. There is a brother and sister we are looking at now that I can see in our home: Kajon 9 (M)/Kajonae 6 (F). Their names, though... I keep calling them "cajun" and "cajunay" but it's probably more like "kay-john" and "kay-johnny"??
We still haven't heard anything about 2 boys that I mentioned before, Dario and Austin - we're still open to learning more about them, if we ever do.
There are 2 boys listed on the MNadopt website without pictures and it says they require assistance from others. We finally asked about them and found out they are both autistic, one is severe and profound. I have worked with the severely autistic on and off for 2 years, I don't think I can voluntarily take 2 of them on as my children for the rest of their lives. Though, some of the kids we could adopt may need the help of an adult for the rest of their lives as well.
Once a month Suzanne has a "task force" meeting where new kids are presented, she has been sending us flyers from these meetings for the past couple of months. We just received a packet this weekend, most, as usual are individual kids. There is one group in there that I would ask more about if Kajon and Kajonae don't work out. They are young (5,4 and 2) and the oldest has Down's Syndrome. Again, it's a lifelong commitment to parenting such a child, but some are more independent than others. I don't know how much you can tell at age 5, especially with the background of foster care, etc.

only a sib group for us

We decided we want to continue to focus on only sibling groups - at least for now. We aren't in a hurry, so we don't need to change our plans to accommodate a schedule we set for ourselves. We hadn't thought the matching process would be as difficult as it is, certainly not with the obstacles we've encountered, but we realize this is how it is and can change how we feel about/react to it.

We requested information on 2 groups of brothers, interestingly, both groups are 10 and 11 year olds. After a week we still don't have any information on one group (Suzanne requested the info from the boys' worker and hasn't heard back). The other group may or may not be available. They have been with a family since July that had the intent to adopt them, then recently said they no longer wanted to, and now have said that they changed their minds and do want to adopt them. So there is a team meeting scheduled for next Friday (2/12) where the family and the boys' workers and maybe therapists will get together and get to the bottom of this, along with a decision. Their worker is still taking home studies from families (not knowing how this is going to turn out) so we had ours sent in.

I've cooled my jets

Thank you for the responses to the previous post, we did get some feedback from Suzanne that helped. She noticed that the kids that were already placed and those that don't want to be adopted were definitely not listed on the public version of MNadopt. Most likely they are only on the private version (the one that Suzanne and her counterparts have access to) for legal reasons. Even if they claim they don't want to be adopted, there is a legal requirement that their information be made public. And those that have recently been placed, or are still in the process of being placed but have a family chosen are only on the private version. These are things she hadn't realized, so we all learned something there.
Our foster care license came in the mail today, yay!
We are wondering if we want to consider adopting just one child now and another one or two down the road (they require a minimum of 1 year between adoptions). We did ask Suzanne and the process for a 2nd adoption is abbreviated quite a bit. What we are going through now we would have to repeat, but what we've done prior to this would be much less. We have some talking and thinking to do... we'll figure it out.

continued frustration

After looking at the list of 110 we match, we found all the groups of 2s and 3s and requested more info on them (most of them weren't listed on the website so we only knew gender, age, race). There were 11 groups of kids. Just heard back some yesterday and some today about them: 5 groups are already placed, 1 turned out to be a group of 4, 1 group doesn't want to be adopted, 1 group she can't find (???) and 1 group sounds a bit daunting. That leaves 2 possible groups and 1 we haven't heard anything back on. So, why, WHY! are we even shown these groups that are already placed or don't want to be adopted? Why are we wasting our time and energy on them?

This is frustrating!!

After waiting to get questions answered and to hear more information on Tavion/Chase/Otez we hear today that they are being placed with someone else. Something happened in their current living situation making it necessary for them to need immediate placement. Whenever possible they look for "concurrent" placement - a foster home that will adopt them, so this isn't just one more move for them. For unknown reasons they chose to place them with the other family that was considering them instead of us. There may be a relationship between this family and the county worker, we don't know why. It would've been risky for them to suddenly place them with us since we have learned very little about the boys at this point and we could easily choose not to adopt them later on. The frustrating part is we have been trying to get information, we wanted it, we sought it, but we weren't getting it - that seems to be the norm. I realize the social- and county workers are overloaded with work, they have a lot to do and are pulled in many directions. Logically I can recognize this and understand why it takes so long for anything to happen, but emotionally I get frustrated and angry with the lack of response and slowness with information.

We haven't heard anymore on Christopher/Isaac/Yulianna, we know their worker was interested in another family and are pursuing them, so that must all be moving forward.

So it's back to the drawing board. We have our list of 110 matches we can sort through and begin the process over again.

inspection

When Suzanne had left our house following the inspection for the foster care license she had some questions she needed to ask before giving us the approval:
1) if a 2nd form of egress is necessary from a basement even though it's not used for sleeping
2) if the lightweight screen in front of the fireplace is OK or needs to be permanent glass doors
3) if the furnace needs to be inspected every year
So, the basement and fireplace are fine as is, but we do need a furnace inspection - not a big deal. She also answered a few questions we had about Tavion/Chase/Otez. Due to the holidays and varied schedules we know we won't hear anything more until after the first of the year. Oh, we also found out there is another family that has shown interest in these 3 boys.

I took some time today and looked at the list of 110 kids that we "match." There are 23 sibling groups and 43 individual kids. We are willing to take a single child, but we will not have only 1 child, which means we would have to go through this whole process a 2nd time - not a fun notion. We haven't done any more with this list, haven't ruled any kids out or chosen any we want to pursue. We have our 2 groups of 3 that we are looking at - doesn't seem right to have our hand in too many pots.

the beginning of regular posts

I have always intended this blog to be something others could follow on a regular basis, but the reality has been that things moved pretty slowly and there weren't events to share. Now we have been approved as adoptive parents and are in the matching process. This moves along much more quickly. Since late October we have already sought information on 6 different groups of kids. Some had other families also interested, some turned out to be more than we could handle, and some we are still pursuing. We haven't been daunted by any of these kids going to homes other than ours - this whole thing is about the kids - if they are in a good home we are happy for them.

The matching process happens in a couple different ways:
1) we can request info on a kid(s) we've seen on the website www.mnadopt.org
2) our social worker can hear about a kid(s) and think of us, giving us preliminary info
3) other workers across the state can read about us and think we might be a good match
4) a computer program can say we "match" kids per some data they've gathered. Because we are so open to what kids(s) we will take in we were matched with 110 kids

Currently we are considering 2 separate sibling groups:
1) Tavion 6/Chase 5/Otez 18mos. The worker for these boys saw our info and wanted us to consider them. We have learned some preliminary info and have requested to learn more. The behaviors the boys have exhibited is all on par for what we have been told to expect: aggressive, ADHD, attachment disorder. Otez does have a serious heart condition that will require special attention for the rest of his (possibly short) life.
2) Christopher 10/Isaac 9/Yulianna 8. We started learning about them last month, but our worker kinda dropped the ball on this. We had a lengthy meeting with her and she had taken several notes for herself, some of which were questions we wanted posed to the kids' worker. Shortly after our meeting 2 boys came into the picture that were a possibility for us to take in and I think that got her sidetracked. Their worker has already begun interviewing and working with a family for these 3, but is willing to meet with us - though we would be the back-up in case this other family drops out.

That's where we are right now. As things happen fairly quickly now I'll have things to post on a regular basis.

Bittersweet

The good news: Liz called to say she has our home study done. She's sending it to us to check for factual errors, once we verify it, we go into the system and can start learning about sibling groups, working toward a match.

The bad news: Liz quit. That's why she got our home study done in record time.

We will now be working with Suzanne. She happens to be the only other social worker we've met, she and Liz co-taught our classes last fall. This doesn't make up for all the hours we've spent with Liz, allowing her to get to know us and hear in our words what we are feeling, our expectations, our fears, etc. We have no ill feelings toward Liz, we wish her the best in whatever she turns to next.

We had a chance to speak with Suzanne yesterday at an event held by Children's Home. It was nice to chat with her and clarify some things about ourselves.

At Children's Home yesterday there was an event for teens and sibling groups waiting to be adopted and Waiting Parents. The adults manned stations (Tom and I had pumpkin painting) and the kids rotated through, allowing us to ask benign questions and simply interact with each other. The intent was for the kids to see who some of these people are that want to adopt kids and for the Waiting Parents to see who some of the kids are, to hear what their interests are. It was enjoyable. There was a group there that I'd had personal interest in, but after meeting them I'm a bit turned off. There was another group that I hadn't paid any attention to that we are now interested it - not telling you anymore than that!

support meeting

A little over a week ago we were able to get our family, friends and neighbors together so they would have the opportunity to speak with our social worker. The meeting was held with some folks in our house and the rest, who are spread all over the country, joined us via conference call. It all went very well! It was awesome to be surrounded by the people that are so special in our lives, who came together with the sole purpose of supporting Tom and I on our journey to parenthood.

We discovered that our neighbors are even more wonderful than we thought and will be a great support! One of them adopted a 2 year old from Korea many years ago and the other couple raised a son with anxiety/anger issues. The neighbors were also forthcoming in saying we can call them for any needed help - even an emergency at any time of day. It was good to hear.

There were some great questions and advice from our "guests." It was an emotional afternoon, full of love, support and generosity.

Now - Liz writes up the "home study," which is basically a synopsis of who Tom and I are with facts and thoughts related to how we will parent and who we would make a good match with. This goes into a database for all county workers in MN to access and assist in matching us with kids. She expects to get this done before a long vacation in Nov. We also need to get licensed for foster care, since that's what we will technically be doing until the adoption is finalized - we have that paperwork and working on that.

Moving Forward

I feel like a lot has happened quickly, too quickly to update this (apparently). We had our last meeting with the therapist at the end of August and as soon as Labor Day hit our social worker was back in touch with us ready to work again. I should say first that we both feel we had success with our therapist. Our communication and understanding has improved and the overall mood around our house is better - I don't know any couple that can't benefit from a therapist every now and then.
We had 2 remaining meetings with Liz and now we are done with those meetings. On to the next step. In about 2 weeks we will have a "support group" meeting where we gather together the people that will make up our support system once we are parents. Since all of our families are in other states most of our support will be part of the meeting either via phone or internet. After the meeting Liz will present us at their next staff meeting and we will be approved by them (odd, but whatever) after which she has 30 working days to write up a sort of biography of us - documents that will help county workers all over the state have a better understanding of who we are when wondering if we would be a good placement for children they are working with. Since the end of those 30 days is Dec 3rd and Liz is likely to be on vacation for 2 weeks at the end of November she plans to have it done before that. That means that mid-November we are officially done with this process and can start "shopping!"
No, we are not assuming we will be parents before Christmas.

special needs

I also need to clarify... I stated before that the children we will be adopting are "special needs." All children that have been in foster care are labeled "special needs." It's not because of any impairments, it's because the life they've led has caused unique traits. For a child to be available for adoption their parent's rights have been terminated due to abuse, abandonment and/or neglect. Any and all of these things effect the brain development, behaviors, physical development, attitudes, etc. of children. When their needs aren't met their brains develop and process differently. Every adult they have loved and trusted has failed them, why should Tom and I be any different - this causes attachment disorders, which can manifest in many different forms.

Therefore, they are all labeled special needs. This is also why we have to do all of the classes and meetings and such. It's to prepare us as best they can for the upheaval these children will bring into our home.

a speed bump

When we last met with Liz she went over the results of the marriage evaluation and felt it would be a good idea if we saw a therapist together. It wasn't surprising to either of us, we know what is and isn't strong in our marriage, we certainly know there are areas we could do better in. Actually, we saw a therapist 2 years ago but didn't care for her and didn't walk away with any tools to help us outside of her office. There are a couple of therapists within the same organization we are adopting through and since only 1 is a preferred provider, we chose her. So we have met with Barb twice now and so far it feels like we are wasting time. Our first meeting was an introduction to her, like a solicitation of herself, knowing we can go to any number of therapists in this town. The 2nd meeting was her getting some background info from us - I felt like I could've done that by filling out a form - so that felt frustrating. Liz asked that we meet with Barb for a month before returning to meetings with her.
I'm trying to keep it all in perspective: Tom and I need to be as prepared and strong for these kids as we can be, this is one way to be sure we are capable of handling what is thrown at us down the road. It just feels like delay after delay. The bright side is the extra time allows me to work on my new business venture (that most of you probably don't know about) and have that established before the kids come.
So...I'm starting my own business as a professional organizer. In fact, I just registered my company name today: Natural Organizing. It will allow me to set my own schedule and be the mom I want to be.

Meetings with Liz

It took a while, but we have finally begun the next step of meeting with our social worker, Liz. We will have a total of about 6 visits with her, then she writes a "home study," upon the completion of the home study (she has 30 working days to complete) we will be considered approved adoptive parents and can begin the process of being matched up with a group of kids.
We've met with Liz twice, both times she used our "essays" we had written as a launching pad for discussions she leads regarding how the answers we gave to certain questions might cause some concern as to how we will effectively parent these special needs children. It doesn't feel like she's attacking us, she's just looking for clarification and pointing out how the way we deal with stress, for example, might not be the best solution when we have these kids in our house. On our last visit Tom and I each took a standardized test regarding our marriage (ENRICH, if any of you are familiar with that), she said once it's been looked at we will discuss our marital relationship as well.

When we first started this process we were told it usually takes about 6-12 months from the time we begin (the classes we took) to the placement of children. There are plenty of variables, including how long it takes you to do your paperwork, get the background check, have your appointments with the social worker, etc. We (I) have been anxious to get everything done and get kids in my house and we feel like we did everything in a timely manner - but it's already been 6 months and we are just now beginning the 6 or so meetings with the social worker, so that's disappointing. On top of that, at our first meeting, Liz discussed the remaining things we have to complete and came up with idea that it will probably be August before all our work is complete and we are considered adoptive parents. I was really hoping we would have the kids into our house and somewhat settled before school starts, it looks like we may just be beginning the matching process then - that's disappointing.
On top of that, I had a bit of a meltdown today feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need/want to get done. Some of that includes things that are in preparation for children moving in and becoming parents of special needs children. After Tom and I talked about my "list" of things and what is causing some of my stress, he pointed out that we are in control of when we become parents, if we aren't ready when our process is done, we don't have to start looking for a match right away. I took a deep breath and realized he is right, it will be much better to have children move into a home with parents that are ready to take on their challenge, than into a home filled with stress and possibly not "ready." Part of that is knowing that since they can't be in our house before school starts, there isn't any rush for a completion date, I should just let things happen, do what I can and let the rest fall away.

Facebook

I just signed up with facebook last night, if I haven't found you yet feel free to make a friend request. I'm daunted by the whole thing, I've joined a cult that everyone else knows all the secrets to...

We finished all the paperwork and sent it off in the mail today. Whew! Now we will wait for them to tell us we messed something up or forgot to sign something. Then we will begin meeting with a social worker :-)